Here we go, another round of terrible things to say to a caregiver of someone living with dementia. I want to say, again, that I understand these statements aren’t meant to be hurtful. People are only trying their best to offer support. Sometimes it just falls flat. And here’s why.
- Making small talk/silence/ignoring the situation
This is the concept of the elephant in the room. Everyone knows there’s this big elephant right in the middle of the living room, but no one will talk about it. If we ignore the elephant, we can pretend it’s not there, and that makes us feel like life is normal and fine. But there’s a freaking gigantic elephant! It may seem like a small mercy to not bring up Alzheimer’s disease when visiting with a friend or family member who is in the caregiving role. But I assure you, it is always in the forefront of their mind. Maybe you’re worried the caregiver doesn’t want to talk about it–it’s too painful to bring it up. Well, just ask. The caregiver may say they would rather not talk about it, but you’ve at least acknowledged that elephant. It might be a relief to have a normal conversation about the weather or the kids, but follow the caregiver’s lead.
- “How can I help?”
This seems counterintuitive, I know. Why would asking how to help be something you might not want to ask? Well, for one thing, I guarantee that the caregiver has no idea how to respond to such a broad offer. They are swamped with responsibilities, so being asked to recount just one item would be very hard. Whenever I was asked this, I was tempted to list off all my chores and then ask, “Which ten would you like to do for me?” I never said that of course. This question is so big; it’s overwhelming for the one giving care to now think of tasks that might be offered. Too, there are a ton of reasons a caregiver doesn’t ask for help or turns down your offers. For example, they may feel that they are the only one who can handle their loved one. Not that it’s a valid reason to refuse help, but they might hear your offer as a slight against their handling of the situation.
- “Is he better?”
This is just ignorance about Alzheimer’s disease. It always took me aback, though, when someone asked this. It seemed cruel for me to point out that it is a terminal disease, and that no one improves, but the misconception needs to be corrected. Gently.
- Using the past tense when talking about the loved one
“Your father was so smart.” “I always admired the way she dressed.” “I know your husband would have been so proud of the way you are caring for him.” A statement that places the person living with dementia in the past can feel as if they are not valued in the present. To the caregiver, it may sound like a comparison to the way their loved one is now. This is subtle, I know.
Round four next week…